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How Infinity Kicked My Ass

A light, contemporary jazz piece with electronic drums and synthesized bass came on the radio as the mushrooms kicked in. I prefer mushrooms to LSD. The effect is somewhat milder, but I like the idea that the 'shrooms were grown on cow shit. Between beef, milk and shit, cows are incredibly useful beasts.

I had always heard about people who claimed to see the face of God when tripping. That never really happened to me. Which is why I was so surprised when this time I actually came face to face with the big guy. From the look on his face, he was somewhat surprised too, and more than a little pissed.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked, looking into what looked like a leather-bound day planner, only somewhat more holy than most. "You aren't dead."

"No," I tried to explain, and believe me, explaining yourself to a pissed off supreme being while tripping is not easy. "I'm just having a hallucination."

His face seemed to droop a little when I told him this, before curling back up, angrier than ever.

"Fuck! You know, it's bad enough I have to deal with you fuckers when you die. I don't have time to deal with every tripper and would be Buddha who thinks he somehow deserves to get clued in to the big picture before everyone else."

"Sorry?" I offered somewhat weakly.

"Not half as sorry as you are going to be."

With that, the floor beneath me opened up and I found myself falling through infinity, back towards the universe. An interesting side note to any physicists out there, terminal velocity is actually slightly faster when an object is dropped from infinity than it is when it is dropped from a fixed point. It's lucky for me I had a particularly soft couch. Had it been just a little more firm, I might have gotten hurt or something when I came crashing down on it.

For a moment, things seemed to calm down. Then my brain collapsed in on itself and sort of exploded in this big bang sort of way. Trust me, you have not had a migraine until you have had a migraine with infinity expanding within your head.

The next thing I knew, I was God. I had the whole universe expanding within my head and it was mine to do with as I saw fit. But I will be fucked if I knew what to do. I mean, infinity is a pretty huge fucking place to have to deal with, even if you are all knowing and all powerful. Hell, if we do someday find out that life only exists here on Earth and the rest of the universe is pretty much just wasted space, I won't be holding it against God. Just managing infinity is difficult enough without having to worry about decorating it.

It was about then that I started to come down. My brain resumed its previous finite dimensions, more or less. And I was weirded the fuck out. I can tell you, that was the last time I listened to synthetic jazz while tripping.

Groovin' on a Sunday Morning

As I write this first sentance, I have yet to come up with a title. There is something there now as you read this post. But as of yet, I am not even sure what I am going to write about.

It is one hell of a nice day out. The sky is clear, the temp is in the 70's. At some obscene hour this morning, my wife invited me to go horseback riding with her and my father-in-law. I am begining to regret favoring sleep. I have the feeling if I don't get out, I will be going stir crazy before the day is out.

Maybe I will drop by a computer store and drool over things I can't afford. At least not yet. Friday was my best day as far as sales since I started at Convergys. If I can pull off days like that a little more consistantly, I figure I could be pulling in $2000 or more a month in commision. We'll see how that goes when I get back to work on Tuesday.

Anyway, my breakfast is getting cold. I'll let you know if I manage to get off my lazy ass.

A Spirit With a Vision

In many ways, I my life is great. I have my wife, who still persists in putting up with me. I have my adorable, though deeply deranged, dog. I have a very nice house. I have tenants who are tolerable for the most part. I could go on. I am grateful for these things, because it seems like I have done little to earn them. I can't think of one thing I have done that makes me worthy of some of the great luck I have had.

On the other hand, there is much about my life that is not so great. And I know that I am pretty much the sole cause of it. I will spare you the self-flagellation I normally put myself through when thinking over the past 20 years of my life. Suffice it to say, I passed up some good opportunities for no good reason, and I am paying the price.

I am trying to stop worrying so much about past mistakes and concentrate on making things better. I suck at my current job, making it far less profitable than it could be. But I am trying to improve. Hopefully I won't get canned before I do. I am starting to look at tech schools so I can finally get around to learning programming, hopefully opening up some better opportunities in my chosen field and freeing myself from phone sales hell.

Of course, even if I do get a programming job, it will be at best an approximation of the life I dream about. I want little more from this world than to be a published author. It seems unlikely I am ever going to make that happen. In all my life, I have yet to finish more than one short story. I have a ton of half finished work, first drafts begging for polish and ideas waiting to be put on paper. Or on pixel as the case may be.

The problem is, my greatest talent is for psyching out myself. I get what may be a great idea for a story, I sit at the computer and instantly start tearing myself apart. This voice in my head keeps yelling, "That's stupid. You call that writing? Who is going to want to read this crap? Do you even grasp the concepts of grammar and punctuation?" and so forth. It is one thing to cut loose on IWDC. Here I can write without worrying about grammer, speling-or(punctuation.

No doubt you are thinking the obvious, "Well why not just take that attitude when writing? Just cut loose, fatboy." I have tried that, and it was to some extent successful. It was what allowed me to get out a completed first draft of a novel, the longest work I have ever written. But then it comes time to rewrite, to polish and all those concerns, all those fears, come back. I wish I could send it in to an editor somewhere and have him at least point me in some direction. But no editor has time for that these days. She would just read the first page, toss it and tell her secretary to send me a form letter rejection.

So, here I lie in a pool of my own mediocrity, fears and doubts; looking up a the stars I still dream of touching one day and dreaming of at least coming up with a halfway decent way of ending this post.

I guess that will do.

Days of Future Past

   I have always loved science fiction - for one simple reason: what if? It is the core of science fiction. Ask any "what if" question and you are more than likely going to head in a sci-fi direction. Sure, you could say "what if a boy kissed a girl?" and not end up in sci-fi land. But, how interesting is that? Ask "what if a boy kissed a girl in zero gee?" - now you have a story!

   Anyway, the sci-fi part isn't the point, the question is the point. What if? What would happen if I had done one thing over another? What if I had finished college? What if I had done better in high school? What if I had stayed in Missouri?

   After my last post, there is a discussion going on in the Comments about my recent posts and nostalgia. (BTW - if you aren't reading the Comments, you're missing half the party. It isn't all sub-witty banter you know!) - the funny thing is that I don't think it is nostalgia. I don't think I'm dwelling on the past - pining for it. The more I look at it, I'm really thinking about the "what ifs".

   I have had thirty years of what ifs. I have three decades of could-have-beens. I realize I'm not the first person to come to these realisations. I'm not the only one going through this. I see that this isn't some groundbreaking thought process - but this is my life! Folks, my life is the most significant thing that will happen to me! All the things that could have been, all the choices that I could have made, all the roads not taken. At thirty years old I sit here and wonder - did I do it right? Is this the road I'm supposed to be on?

   If I did do it right - the right way is awfully humbling and boring. I never thought I'd have "A life really ordinary." For a kid who started off with the start I had, who pushed as hard as he could to find the edges of sanity without going beyond - I have no fucking clue how I ended up here.

   Forget the nostalgia. In with all those what ifs are some pretty scary could-have-beens - they line up nicely next to the lucky breaks and lucky escapes. I don't want to return to the past - I just want to know that I'm doing okay. When you play pin ball, there is a score right in front of you. You know when you are doing poorly, when you've missed too many death saves and when the ringer is just a dirty cheater! Life doesn't give you a digital readout. So, I'm left to wonder - am I filling my potential? They told me all through my school career that I wasn't filling my potential. At that time I thought I was doing pretty good. Now that I'm happy but still doubting - I don't know what to think.

   I'm not unhappy, I'm not broke, I'm not strung out on some substance. But, then again, I'm no where near where I hoped to be at thirty. I'm not a religious man, but some nights I want to just look up and ask "Is this where I'm supposed to be?"

Posted by: Jericho - 5/20/02 - 11:22 pm -

Incredible Pizza

   I've recently started hanging out with a group of guys on Saturday nights. We play role-playing games. If you don't know what those are, go look up the word GURPS on Google. It will get you started.

   Anyway, I've known these guys for about a month now, but realized I didn't really know anything about them. This isn't unusual, I've had a lot of experiences like this - but sometimes you push the envelope and see how far you can go. So, tonight I started asking questions. I finally confirmed that, yes, I was the second to oldest one there. I am the only married one. I also discovered that this is a pretty conservative group for a bunch of anime watching, Microsoft working, role-playing young men. And, sharing, well, let's just say that they weren't too forthcoming and they seemed to like it that way. Fine, I have no problem with that. I guess I was hoping to make friends instead of just gaming buddies - but, hey, a good gaming group is hard to find.

   I thought about this on the way home and really thought about it once I got home. I guess I'm just too liberal, too open about me - I mean, heck, I write this thing don't I? I guess I just have nothing to hide and I forget others do - these guys might mind that I've mentioned them out here, even though I didn't mention their names. These guys were just really closed off - I guess this is still itching at me.

   I don't think I understand being closed off. I mean, you can close your eyes and plug your ears and erect fences and live behind walls and life will still go on. The world will still revolve. Or, you can open your eyes, open your ears, open your mouth and interact with life! Embrace it all!

   How do you know if you are happy enough? How do you know? I mean, I know right now that I am happy. My life is going pretty good. Sure, I can think of improvements, but there's something to be saiid for stability and a steady pay check - at least for now. But, I know this because I took some chances and tried some things and failed and succeeded and got where I'm at. I didn't sit in my room, hiding under my blanket or cleaning my gun, waiting for the hordes to show up and pillage the place. Heck, if I had the opportunity, I would have joined the hordes - a little pillaging might have been fun! The point is, no pain, no gain - if you don't put your neck on the line now and then, you might not ever find out what your neck is there for! The only way to find if you are happy enough is to look in new places for happiness now and then - shutting yourself off can't get you to those places. Can it?

   I realize I'm blathering here some - I'm just agitated by the idea of closing yourself off - I'm also heaping these guys in with lots of even more closed off people from my past, and they don't deserve that - especially since I really don't know them all that well.

   All of this has brought back a memory, a bitter-sweet memory. Hud, my friend and frequent IWDC commentor might remember this weekend I'm about to recount. I had taken a year off after my freshmen year of college. I was living in STL, not sure what to do with myself and feeling a bit low. A friend of mine was going to Columbia, MO., to hang out with friends for the weekend. Columbia was where I had gone to school and I missed it a bunch. I tagged along with my friend, and Hud graciously provided crash space.

   Columbia is one of those places. I don't know if I believe in magic or paranormal powers or alien abductions or any of that - but there is something at work in Columbia. There is a signpost on Highway 70 about twenty miles from the city. I swear, everytime I drive past, I expect to see Rod Serling having a nail behind that sign. Something changes - right there. I can't explain it and I don't know if I'd even want to.

   I fell back into old patterns from my year at school, I hung out with my friends and went to places I enjoyed. One of the people I was hanging out with, a female, seemed to be paying me particular attention. This was a good thing, since I had a standing crush on her. The Sunday I was due to leave I ended up spending a great deal of time with her, even so far as delaying our departure time by an hour or two so that I could spend just that much more time with her. At some point, we stopped by Shakespere's Pizza and had a pie. I had been to Shake's before, but the pizza that day tasted so good. She ordered it, it was peperoni and red onions on a wheat crust. I just remember it tasting incredible.

   Of course it wasn't the pizza. Duh! But I didn't know that at the time. It hadn't occured to me that I had been unhappy back in STL. That I missed Columbia. That this weekend away was a relief. I needed to see my friends. I also needed the attentions of this woman and I needed to feel good. It wasn't the pizza - it was the moment that tasted good!

   I was still buzzing on life and good feelings when we packed up and left. My friend understood why I had delayed - he caught a glimpse of the girl! The funny thing, that moment clung to me, clung to me until we got to that signpost. We could see it in the distance as we drove, right at that post, there was a wall of white. We had been driving in the sun, but at that gateway back to my real life, there was a snow storm. We drove back in snow and sleet - all the way to STL.

   I saw her a few months later, in STL. She was engaged, first time I had talked to her since that weekend. When I returned to school the next fall, most of our friends said she had flaked out. It happens. I never saw her again. I went to Shakespere's one day and ordered that pizza - it wasn't as good. That's when it hit me. Growing up sucks ...

   That was a really good weekend, and it took me a while to top it. But, I have, and I've topped that topper. However, I didn't top those moments by clinging to them and not looking for more. I didn't get those by being satisfied with what I had and not looking for more! Sure, I've gotten hurt and I've felt empty, like I do sometimes these days. But, when you've climbed the hill, you'll want to climb the mountain. If you stay on the hill - what do you have?

Posted by: Jericho - 5/19/02 - 2:28 am -

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