How Infinity Kicked My Ass

A light, contemporary jazz piece with electronic drums and synthesized bass came on the radio as the mushrooms kicked in. I prefer mushrooms to LSD. The effect is somewhat milder, but I like the idea that the 'shrooms were grown on cow shit. Between beef, milk and shit, cows are incredibly useful beasts.

I had always heard about people who claimed to see the face of God when tripping. That never really happened to me. Which is why I was so surprised when this time I actually came face to face with the big guy. From the look on his face, he was somewhat surprised too, and more than a little pissed.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked, looking into what looked like a leather-bound day planner, only somewhat more holy than most. "You aren't dead."

"No," I tried to explain, and believe me, explaining yourself to a pissed off supreme being while tripping is not easy. "I'm just having a hallucination."

His face seemed to droop a little when I told him this, before curling back up, angrier than ever.

"Fuck! You know, it's bad enough I have to deal with you fuckers when you die. I don't have time to deal with every tripper and would be Buddha who thinks he somehow deserves to get clued in to the big picture before everyone else."

"Sorry?" I offered somewhat weakly.

"Not half as sorry as you are going to be."

With that, the floor beneath me opened up and I found myself falling through infinity, back towards the universe. An interesting side note to any physicists out there, terminal velocity is actually slightly faster when an object is dropped from infinity than it is when it is dropped from a fixed point. It's lucky for me I had a particularly soft couch. Had it been just a little more firm, I might have gotten hurt or something when I came crashing down on it.

For a moment, things seemed to calm down. Then my brain collapsed in on itself and sort of exploded in this big bang sort of way. Trust me, you have not had a migraine until you have had a migraine with infinity expanding within your head.

The next thing I knew, I was God. I had the whole universe expanding within my head and it was mine to do with as I saw fit. But I will be fucked if I knew what to do. I mean, infinity is a pretty huge fucking place to have to deal with, even if you are all knowing and all powerful. Hell, if we do someday find out that life only exists here on Earth and the rest of the universe is pretty much just wasted space, I won't be holding it against God. Just managing infinity is difficult enough without having to worry about decorating it.

It was about then that I started to come down. My brain resumed its previous finite dimensions, more or less. And I was weirded the fuck out. I can tell you, that was the last time I listened to synthetic jazz while tripping.