Jericho: My body is in rebellion!

Still on the diet.

My body has decided that no matter what I do, I will not get under 500, or at least not for long. I was really hoping to be under 500 pounds by the end of the month. So, Sunday, Steph got me on the scale. I had done it. I was 499.

Monday, I stepped on the scale and I was 501.
Tuesday morning I was 502.
This morning I was 503.

I haven't been on the treadmill this week. But, I've managed to stay on the diet and added 5 pounds since Sunday.

Before, I would have allowed this setback to lead to a donut fueled binge, ending my diet. But, even at 503, I'm 14 pounds down and I'm not giving up that progress.

However, I am giving up getting on the scale for a while. That thing hates me!

Jericho: The diet is working, unfortunately.

On Monday we checked my weight. Yes, "we". Steph has to look at the numbers on the scale, I can't see over my huge stomach. Embarrassing? You bet! IWDC lives to embarrass its writers and entertain its readers ... with our shame.

I'm at 501. Not below 500 like I would like to be, but I hope to hit that minor goal next Monday. I'm sixteen pounds down so far - not shabby.

However, we're not about numbers these days. They are a good tool but not the end all be all. My leg edema is my most pressing, immediate concern. I was hoping my leg edema would show more progress than it has. Obviously from my last sentence, it hasn't.

More than all of this, I know the diet is working. How do I know? I've kicked the sugar cravings. Better, and worse, I now get reverse reactions to sugary foods. This morning, I went to the cafe' in my building for breakfast. The main dish was some kind of Dutch apple pie thingy smothered in sugar, sweet something, something something and they offered maple syrup as a topping. It smelled freeking wonderful! When I looked at it, I nearly gagged. My sense of sight is competing with my sense of smell for control of my body.

I just went to a departmental meeting. They had a cart of soda, I grabbed a diet coke. They also had four giant serving platters piled with my favorite: cookies!! Every kind a fat man could desire. Free. Just take one. Take many! I heaved an audible groan and took none. A friend in the room said they were meant to bring me joy. I told him they didn't bring me joy. They brought me remorse and regret, but no joy. Again, they looked like pure shit but smelled like the cleavage of an angel! I had to sit on the other side of the room, easily ten meters away just to avoid the smell, which both delighted and revolted me.

So, either the diet is working or I am developing a wildly bulimic second personality. At this point, I'll settle for either.

Jericho: Montage?

I could use a montage more than any white man in history!

I'm back on the diet. I'm trying to integrate the dieting with the exercising. I started last Monday. I was sick Tuesday and Wednesday (Typical!). So far I've gotten on the treadmill last Monday, Saturday and today. I'm gonna keep trying.

Last Monday I expected to weigh 520. I weighed 517 - close enough. My highest weight to date. Steph got me to get on the scale Friday, I weighed 505. No typo. Last night I got on the scale, I weighed 510. Either the scale is just wrong, my body has gone insane or some whacky, mind-crushing combination thereof.

I'm still aiming for 200 pounds overall. I'd like to see 400 by the end of this calendar year. But my immediate concern isn't weight loss. My immediate goal is to spend as much time as I and, more importantly, my knees, can stand on the treadmill. My doctor tells me that the edema on my ankles and feet will go down and eventually go away with more exercise. So, my immediate goal is to get rid of the edema - the less I look like Baron Harkonnen, the better!

Max: I Never Get Invited To The Fun Parties

16,488 condoms ordered for Antarctic base

Intrepid souls braving the cold climes of Antarctica clearly find traditional ways of keeping warm.

McMurdo Station has taken delivery of 16,488 condoms. The shipment last month constitutes a year's supply, ensuring the frisky can stay safe in the sack.

Max: Meh

I have been focusing on the negative in my recent posts. When I want to scream or curl up in the fetal position, it helps to write. Writing helps me organize my jumble of thoughts, to see when I am being irrational and gain some insight into the mess that is me. Instead of paying a therapist to listen to me, I just unload here for free.

This week, something that has been swirling through my thoughts for some time has worked its way to the front. I tend to blame outside persons/forces for problems/stress/frustrations that have no rational, external causes. Since then, when I find myself reaching the lower depths, I have been trying to remind myself that the worst of the problems are a result of malfunctions in my brain, not the person who happens to have the joy of interacting with me at the time it happens.

Reminding myself that the worst my problems are not rational or external in origin has helped me stop trying to to find irrational external solutions, such as spending money I don't have at Amazon.com and Borders. That said, going forward I need to not just focus on the irrational source of my emotional distress, but also on the external things in my life that are going right. Except for my defective brain, I have a pretty good life. Hopefully focusing on that will help as I work through my emotional fits.

Max: Useless, Pathetic Self Pity

It seems like all I do is work, go home to find out how much money I don't have and how much life I can't afford to enjoy, then go to work again.

Is that really what life is? Is this what I have spent the last nearly 37 years to achieve?

What do I have to look forward to? Another 40 years of struggle, stress, depression, sexual dysfunction and staring at the beige walls of my cubicle?

That and turning into an even bigger dick than I apparently have already become.

EDIT

Ah, yes. I forgot about the thrill of idiots costing me what little money I have and then making it my problem to get it back...

Max: My Goals

For no particular reason, I decided to write down as many goals as I could without stopping to think about what "should" be my goals.

My Goals

Attend BNC reunion camp
Attend Bass Boot Camp
Attend Bass @ The Beach
Become a better bassist
Get in better shape
Learn Japanese
Learn Algebra, Calculus, Trig, higher math, etc
Learn more about philosophy
Get better at applying logic to my daily life
Learn C
Be able to build my own customer Linux distro
Be able to build my dream bass
Be able to build neat electronic gadgets
Go to Tokyo
Go to Antarctica
Learn to write well (grammar, punctuation, spelling, economy of words)
Go back to London
Go to Paris
See Victoria Falls
Hike Kilimanjaro
Learn more about science
Be more comfortable making conversation
Be more calm, especially in stressful situations
Be more focused, especially on activities that can lead to achieving my goals
Learn to cook healthier meals

What I spend most of my time on does little to nothing towards reaching most of those goals. Hmm.

Max: No Money + No Meds * Stupidity = My Weekend

Discontinuation symptoms have been systematically evaluated in patients taking venlafaxine, to include prospective analyses of clinical trials in Generalized Anxiety Disorder and retrospective surveys of trials in major depressive disorder. Abrupt discontinuation or dose reduction of venlafaxine at various doses has been found to be associated with the appearance of new symptoms, the frequency of which increased with increased dose level and with longer duration of treatment. Reported symptoms include agitation, anorexia, anxiety, confusion, coordination impaired, diarrhea, dizziness, dry mouth, dysphoric mood, fasciculation, fatigue, headaches, hypomania, insomnia, nausea, nervousness, nightmares, sensory disturbances (including shock-like electrical sensations), somnolence, sweating, tremor, vertigo, and vomiting.

It is somewhat disturbing to find out;

A) I am a drug addict, prescribed or not

and

2) I am even more feeble than I thought I was.

Max: Ummm... Wow

Via The BBC

"I put my finger in," Mr Spievak says, pointing towards the propeller of a model airplane, "and that's when I sliced my finger off."

The photos of his severed finger tip are pretty graphic. You can understand why doctors said he'd lost it for good.

Today though, you wouldn't know it. Mr Spievak, who is 69 years old, shows off his finger, and it's all there, tissue, nerves, nail, skin, even his finger print.

Jericho: The PETA Prize

You've heard of the X-Prize. Well, the fine people at PETA now have their own prize. If PETA's plan succeeds, the future will arrive in the summer of 2012.

What are we talking about? Lab grown meat.

"What's the big deal?" you say. "We've had tofurkey for years!" you say. We're not talking about a meat substitute. We're talking about real meat or nearly real meat - but meat that never left the factory or was ever next to a bone. No animal had to suffer the trials of factory farming or had to die so you could enjoy a tender, juicy steak. This is guilt-free meat - and there might be other benefits.

I first came across this idea while reading Ray Kurzweil's The Singularity is Near. The idea is that if you can grow meat in the lab, you don't have to kill an animal and you use the materials in question more efficiently. It takes about five pounds of grain to get one pound of beef. Imagine if you could get a pound of beef for just two pounds of grain or even one to one. The rest of that grain could be used to feed people - lowering the over all price of grain. Not to mention changing the carbon footprint required to raise cattle.

Plus, there could be other benefits. What if the fat in your steak was GOOD for you? Well, if you are building meat in a lab, it shouldn't be too difficult to make the bad fats into good fats. I'm sure many of you have heard that meat fat is bad for you. You've probably also heard that Omega 3 fats are necessary for good health. Well, with a few changes, the Omega 6 fatty acids found in meat could be changed to Omega 3 fatty acids in lab grown meat. Then, your steak would not only be something that didn't kill an animal, but it would also be "health food". They could also enrich the steak with vitamins and minerals and other healthy ingredients. Imagine if you felt good about feeding your kid a McDonald's cheese burger?

I haven't agreed with many of PETA's methods and ideas across the years. But, encouraging this kind of research in this way is exactly where organizations like PETA should go in my opinion. Instead of throwing red paint on fur coats, encourage industry to find ways to not need to use animal based products. It benefits everyone - including the yummy cows!

Max: Why My Brain Is Broken

The Reinvention of the Self

In her laboratory at Princeton University’s Department of Psychology, Gould is determined to create a marmoset environment that takes full advantage of their innate intelligence. She doesn’t believe in metal cages. “We are housing our marmosets in large, enriched enclosures,” she says, “and with a variety of objects to support foraging. These are social animals, and it’s important to let them be social. Basically, we want to bring our experimental conditions closer to the wild.”

But Gould is not a primatologist. She doesn’t give her marmosets adorable names, or spend time cuddling with their young. In fact, these marmosets don’t even know she exists: Gould prefers to observe them remotely, on a little video screen. Staring at the televised frenzy of this little marmoset world, it is poignant to know how their lives will end. Their brains will be cut into thousands of transparent slices. Their dissected neurons will be stained neon green and the density of their dendritic connections will be quantified under a powerful microscope. They will live on as data.

...

Gould’s insight was that understanding how stress damages the brain could illuminate the general mechanisms—especially neurogenesis—by which the brain is affected by its environ-mental conditions. For the last several years, she and her post-doc, Mirescu, have been depriving newborn rats of their mother for either 15 minutes or three hours a day. For an infant rat, there is nothing more stressful. Earlier studies had shown that even after these rats become adults, the effects of their developmental deprivation linger: They never learn how to deal with stress. “Normal rats can turn off their glucocorticoid system relatively quickly,” Mirescu says. “They can recover from the stress response. But these deprived rats can’t do that. It’s as if they are missing the ‘off’ switch.”

Gould and Mirescu’s disruption led to a dramatic decrease in neurogenesis in their rats’ adult brains. The temporary trauma of childhood lingered on as a permanent reduction in the number of new cells in the hippocampus. The rat might have forgotten its pain, but its brain never did. “This is a potentially very important topic,” Gould says. “When you look at all these different stress disorders, such as PTSD [post-traumatic stress disorder], what you realize is that some people are more vulnerable. They are at increased risk. This might be one of the reasons why.”

Not that I was deprived of parental presence as a child. But my childhood was largely defined by stress, mainly at school.

Max: The Autism "Epidemic"

An explanation for the "increasing$quot; incidence of autism

Fashion is a strange thing, and many fields are susceptible to it—not least, medicine. There has, for example, been a vogue (among commentators, if not among doctors) to ascribe the rising number of cases of autism diagnosed over the past couple of decades to childhood vaccinations against measles, mumps and rubella. That this is fashion rather than reality is suggested by the fact that the explanation proffered in Britain has been that such vaccines provoke an immune response that damages the nervous system, whereas Americans have blamed residual mercury in the same vaccines.

We had once come to think of things like mumps, measles, whooping cough, etc as but extinct. But thanks to scientific and mathematical illiteracy, they will soon be on the prowl again. There is a scary degree of stupidity on the march in this country -- the sort of stupidity that thinks it is better to condemn thousands of women to cervical cancer than allow the use of a vaccine that would *gasp* make sex a little safer. Reason seem to still win most of these battles, but it can only win if we are willing to stand up for it -- even in the face of exasperating stupidity.

Max: Is Depression "Contagious"?

Postpartum Depression Epidemic Affects More than Just Mom

The consequences of depression inevitably reach beyond the mother. In a fog of sadness, a mother often lacks the emotional energy to relate appropriately to her baby. Overwhelming grief prevents her from properly perceiving a child’s smiles, cries, gestures and other attempts to communicate with her. Getting no response from mom, the child quits trying to relate to her. Thus, three-month-old infants of depressed mothers look at their mothers less often and show fewer signs of positive emotion than do babies of mentally healthy moms.

In fact, infants of depressed mothers display something akin to learned helplessness, a phenomenon University of Pennsylvania psychologist Martin E. P. Seligman and his colleagues described in the 1960s. In Seligman’s experiments, an animal would conclude that a situation was hopeless after repeatedly failing to overcome it—and then remain passive even when it could effect change. A similar passivity characterizes depression. “Sometimes the infants mirror their mother’s depressive behavior,” Reck says.

Jericho: Big Belly = Kookoo Bananas!

So, as it turns out, there is now a connection between having a big belly and developing dementia later in life.

That's just what I needed. I needed more pressure to lose weight. As if it wasn't hard enough already. If I don't lose weight - I'll go nuts. Lovely.

Are only skinny people supposed to succeed? WTF? Are the rest of we fatties just doomed? God is an asshole!

This is depressing. Ima go have a donut.

Max: A Recent Email Exchange

Me: BTW, anti-depressants are working. Just a little stressed and more annoyed than usual at ending up exactly where I did not want to be.

Jericho: You and me both, pal.

I feel like I'm back in STL again, only this time I'm working. I hate this job, I can't find another job and I can't just leave this job.

I'm totally trapped. There is nothing I can do. To counter this, I'm dosing on my favorite anti-depressant: food. This will eventually destroy my health. I can't think of a slower way to commit suicide.

No anti-depressant is going to get me another job and until I get out of here I'm not going to feel better.

This is so where I wanted to be at age 36.

Me: Anti-depressants aren't for everyone. There is a growing reluctance to give them out to people in your spot - people with a damn good reason to be stressed/depressed. In your case, you would likely be prescribed talk therapy and/or a trip to a career counselor along with getting exercise.

For me, the anti-depressants just seem to stave off that dark, dank cavern of depression. I think I am going to have to pull myself back (or is it for the first time) to being fully functional. My job has actually helped. I used to think that work would never be as tolerable as this job is. It isn't my dream job, but at least I am paying my bills on time and getting treated with a modicum of respect. Last week was bad because I got hit with a pile of bad mojo all at once. I was not happy at being switched from 3:30-Midnight to Noon-8:30. I was less pleased that the current overtime regime requires me to be here at 10:30. Still, it would have been a lot more doable had I not been hit by the flu. I was so worn out and cranky that I took everything the wrong way and saw the schedule change as an affront to my nocturnal nature. Until I started vomiting early Thursday morning - indicating that I had the flu - the only conclusions I could reach for why I felt so shitty were either life sucks hairy weirdo ass or that I was losing my mind. Now that I am mostly over the flu, things are once again tolerable at work. Lack of Charter level work stress has helped a great deal.

There is just the rest of my health to deal with. I am not the heaviest I have ever been (I'm about 30 lbs shy of that). I am in horrible shape none-the-less and that cannot be good for my mental health. The only times I am not sitting are when I get up to hit the bathroom or grab a Coke 0, or as I like to call it "Naughty Coke".

I need to get myself in better shape. I got a small exercise bike sitting under my desk at work and am try to use it when I can. Now that the weather is getting better I may start taking walks on lunch. When I get lunch breaks again, that is. I know that if I am in better shape, I will feel better physically and mentally.

Beyond that, I am trying to make better use of my "free" time. I am trying to read more, play bass more and generally engage in constructive rather than vegetative activities.

Of course, as I saw last week, my hopes and plans can be easily lost in the fog. A little flu bug was all it took to drive me nearly to the edge last week. Part of me is waiting in fear for when I really snap. One of these days they may find me curled up and weeping on the floor because I saw a really killer bass that I will never get to play, and my brain decided that was as good as an excuse as any to rid myself of all sanity based encumbrances.

But, I could as easily get hit by a bus, get cancer or have a heart attack. Unless our Singularity friends are right, something will get me one way or another. Even if they are right, there's nothing to say I won't get killed by something we can't even imagine. I just have to figure what to do with myself in the meantime.

So, I am going to go post this...

Jericho: Day 22, 493 pounds, no acids

So, I got to weigh myself last Tuesday and I was down to 496.8. Today, the scale was hovering around 492.8, then .9 - easier to just say 493. Either way it's day 22, the beginning of week 4 and I'm nearly 20 pounds down.

280 pounds to go ...

Okay, it's crazy to discount what I've done so far by comparing it to the (huge!) overall goal. But, it's hard to be too wild about what I've done when I compare it to how far I have to go. Today, Steph asked me if I was excited? I told her I would be excited when I got to 400 pounds. I'm happy with my progress so far, I'm not about to give up, but I've got a long way to go. Excitement is hard to come by.

I'm reading Fantastic Voyage: Live Long Enough to Live Forever - by Ray Kurzweil & Terry Grossman. Max and Laura purchased this book for me as encouragement after a failed diet attempt a year or so ago - if I remember correct. Ray Kurzweil should ring a bell for long time IWDC readers, I was quite impressed with his The Singularity Is Near: When Humans Transcend Biology and commented on it here on the site. The basic idea of Singularity is that technological progress is increasing and that we will see incredible results as the next two or three decades pass. The basic premise behind Voyage is that if we shape up our health, we'll all be around to reap the rewards of the coming technological evolutions. And, if they are right, near immortality is just around the corner - just have to live long enough for technology to do its work.

So, the book has been good so far - but it's scaring the hell out of me. Some of the information isn't new, some info is presented in a much more detailed fashion - the rest is brand new info. For example, within the first fifty pages, I was cringing. They brought up the subject of drinking cola. I immediately thought they were going to go off on the sugar - the "candy in a can" aspect or maybe the caffeine. Neither came up. They went off on the acid. Acid!

Colas, diet or regular, are far more acidic than anything we would have eaten in a natural diet. Without getting too technical, (the book does a marvelous job of being techie and then explaining in English) if one were to drink a cola and the body did nothing to neutralize the acid, the acid level in your body would be increased 1000 times and you would be instantly killed! Your body does neutralize the acid in cola, but what it uses to do that task is then not available to handle other acids your body naturally produces. These acids stack up and cause damage - such as cancer. Cancer. And we thought we were doing ourselves a favor drinking caffeine-free diet colas!

I'm nearly on page 100, and the roller coaster is just getting up to speed. I'm drinking almost no sodas or any kind and I'm about to give up just about all animal products and become a vegetarian! Me - the consummate carnivore - a rabbit food only vegi-head.

*Sips water* *Eats broccoli floret* *Sighs*

The only animal protein the book recommends is wild salmon. I had some the other night at a restaurant. Good stuff! It wasn't a steak - but in some ways it was better. I'm in the right part of the world for fresh salmon. Of course, last night I made beer-can chickens! That's right, I burned fossil fuels to char a bird with a can of cheap beer shoved up it's ass. It was excellent! I get to finish the left-overs tonight - now that's something I can get excited about!

I think the cap to my SoBe diet green tea said it best. In large green letters on the underside of the cap are the words "diets suck!" - I have the cap prominently displayed on my desk.

Jericho: 500.8

The scale this morning read the number in the title. That's my weight, down from 512.2 or something. The weight may not be entirely accurate, since I had to bend forward to see it over my belly, but I'm betting it's close. Let's call it 10 pounds - it's still freeking awesome!

I totally lied yesterday. If I had showed no weight loss or had gained, I probably would have slit my wrists! The big number makes me feel better!

And, yes, I know, this won't keep going. Since I have so much to lose and since I'm exercising, this loss is mostly water - probably from my leg edema. Also losing more than a pound a day isn't healthy. However - I'm not letting any of that worry me. I know I am eating right, exercising and I am feeling a bit better. If it's just 10 pounds of water - fine. I'll happily lose the edema.

I also know that if I get on the scale next Monday and it shows no loss or a gain, well, I am getting some exercise. I'm moving muscles that haven't seen much action recently. So, muscle is denser than fat, I could start losing inches and never lose a pound. If my clothes start fitting better or turning into sacks - that won't bother me a bit.

However, having the big number today felt really good!

Today is the beginning of Week Two. I have an odd week this week, I'm working afternoons and a project in the evenings. So, today I got up at 8 AM, checked my email, got on the mill, got my shower, had a meal (Steph's homemade chicken soup - yum!) then got off to the bus. I have been good about eating so far today. If I can keep this up - lose 2 pounds a week for the rest of the year, I'll be at or near 400 at the end of the year.

That will do, Fatty. That will do.

Jericho: Ducks, 1 (One) Row

It's that time of year again. All the fatties are in the gym, glistening with the waste products of the excesses of the past year - or their entire lives.

And, yes, I am dieting again. I'm at the highest weight I have ever attained: 512 pounds. It's disgusting. I'm having all kinds of health problems because of my weight. I look and feel awful. It's time to take it off.

And, maybe I'm finally ready. They say it takes eight tries for a smoker to quit smoking. Well, I don't know how many tries it takes for an eater to quit eating, but I think I'm finally there.

And, I finally have all the pieces of the puzzle in front of me. I've been building up to this point for years. Steph and I have had several good experiments with dieting and weight loss and several failures. So, here I am, ready to go and I think I'm prepared.

I know how to diet. I know what works for me and what doesn't. Steph and I had really good success several years ago on Adkins. I lost 50 pounds. Then I gave up. The things I don't like about Adkins is that finding a low carb meal when you go out is hard - unless you order something on the menu and strip off everything you don't want. I also didn't like the low veggie content - it makes pooping difficult. Pooping, while not fun, is good.

One of the GREAT things about low carb dieting is that it makes you buy better food. You can't fill your stomach with bread and pasta - so now you have to find protein. The fun thing about protein is that, if eaten slow, you will be full before you finish eating even a small meal. I sometimes take a few bites of something high in protein and begin to feel full immediately. This is good - you eat less. Plus, if you are about to go home and grill yourself a steak, a really nice New York or one of our new favorites: a flat iron steak, it really doesn't make sense to buy fast food. I can go home, heat up the grill, throw on a steak, cook it and be sitting down to take my first delicious bite before I would be home from the fast food place with a bag of grease bombs, most of my order missing and the voice of some minimum wage idiot still ringing in my head.

So, having said all of that, Steph and I are going with the low carb concept. However, we are not skimping on the veggies. If I want a salad - I will have a salad and I don't care how many carbs. I drink the Slim Fast shakes as part of my plan. The low carb ones are pricey - about $5 for four shakes. You can buy 6 of the Slim Fast Optima shakes for about $6. At this time of year, you can even find bonus packs of 8 shakes for $5 - half price of the Low Carb shakes. (I filled my trunk the other night!) It doesn't make sense to pay double for a few less carbs. My food for the day-time, for breakfast, lunch and snacks, costs about $6 and comes in at about 1100 calories. Leaving 900 calories for steak at dinner - yum!

Steak and grilling brings up another point. Like I said, I finally have all the pieces in place. We now own a gas grill. I used to be a die hard charcoal barbediva. Charcoal gives a great flavor - nothing like it. However - it takes forever to get hot. Steph tried to tell me for years that gas was fast. I thought I would lose flavor. Well, it just isn't so. Today, I made burgers for our first meal of the day at 11 AM. I chopped up onion, threw in Mrs. Dash, Onion powder, Garlic powder, pepper and two pounds of good ground beef. Before I formed the burgs, I turned on the grill. I formed them up with Steph nodding approval, tossed them on the grill which in less than five minutes was a roaring 400 degrees, four minutes a side. Steph opened a bag or two of salad and we were ready to go. Total prep and cook time about 20 minutes - I've seen longer lines at Burger King and I got a gourmet flame-broiled burger. They were tasty.

We also bought another piece of diet equipment a while back - a treadmill. The treadmill has been a bit of a let down. It has been exactly what I feared it would be; unused. Steph and I have both had fits and starts trying to get going to use the darned thing. It was expensive, too. Really chaps my cheeks that it's just sitting there, taunting me. Well, I showed it this week! I got on it three times. Three! I think that's about a 50% increase in the number of times I have been on it since we bought it! I haven't done anything crazy - quite the opposite. I did three half-hour walks. Strolls would be a better description - I didn't go faster than 1.5 mph. Slow. But, it got the blood working.

I'm already seeing results. I have edema on my legs; swelling, fluid build up. I've had it for several years now and it's gotten bad the last two years. So bad that a cat scratch I got over a year ago is just now healing. The fluid pouring from the wound prevented healing. In fact, I got a staph infection several months back and that made it really bad. Steph had to clean and dress it and apply prescription cream to it. It has sucked and just made me feel stupid and even fatter and more depressed. Especially when she cleaned it: iodine and hydrogen peroxide! Yeouch!

What made me feel the stupidest about this edema is that the doctor told me it's due to lack of circulation. If I just got a little exercise - like walking, the edema would clear up. Instead, I sat on the couch feeling fat and it got worse. Well, three times on the mill this week and already I think I see some looser skin. It's all less tight. As soon as I get off the mill my feet look better. So, I'm hoping by the end of the month I can see real results. We'll see.

What's made walking on the treadmill the easiest is something kinda silly. When we first got the treadmill, I tried music, and that worked for a while. But, about half way through I was looking at the clock and wishing it was done and counting all the things that hurt. Then I tried aiming the living room tv at the treadmill. This worked, but it's loud and the remotes don't easily work from that far away and if I want to work out while Steph is sleeping or studying - this method is right out.

So, for Xmas, I bought Steph one of the new video capable iPod Nano MP3 players. She was jealous that my iPod played video, although it doesn't have much battery life in video mode. About two hours with the brightness turned down to the point where you can barely see it. Her new Nano will do about 5 hours, it's tiny and dare I say sexy. Now I'm jealous. I have now commandeered the Nano I bought her last year as my music player. I was going to buy myself an iPod Shuffle because it was small and had the neato clip. So, instead, I found a good case with a clip for her old Nano and I'm happy as a clam - until they bring out a 16 gig Nano - then I will sell anything I can and buy one. This, however, left my larger iPod that does limited video with no purpose in life. I went out and found an inexpensive hard plastic case. I put Velcro on the back and attached it to the treadmill. We now have a dedicated video player on the treadmill that I can remove and use as a music/video player for trips or whatever.

So, on days I work out, my routine has been to get up at 5:30, put on shoes with no socks. (Why no socks? I'm trying to keep it VERY simple. The simpler, the more likely I'll do it.) Then, I take my meds. I'm back on my Metformin/Glyburide. Since I am back on that med, I need food or else I get a wicked stomach ache. So, I grab my water bottle that I have prepared the night before and a Slim Fast shake out of the fridge. I jump on the mill, set myself for 1.5 MPH, gulp down my shake and then find an episode of Red Dwarf that I have ripped from my DVDs to my iPod. About a half hour later, I haven't looked at the clock, the credits are rolling and my work-out, such as it is, is over. Not a bad deal. I hit the Cool Down button. Five minutes later I'm off the mill to ice my knees. I read in a men's health magazine that if you ice your knees and other joints directly after exercise, the enzyme that breaks down cartilage, causing damage and pain, doesn't get a chance to form. Then, off to a shower, dressed and out the door to work. Simple, simple, simple and I didn't spend a half hour looking at the clock.

With all the equipment we own and knowing how to successfully diet, it finally feels like I have all my ducks in a row. Today is the end of week one and I was a good boy all week. I'll weigh myself tomorrow - even if it shows I've gained weight, I know that I'm doing good things for myself and I want to keep it up. I'll try to keep you guys up on my progress.

Max: School House Cock

Max: Wasting Time

President Bush accused Democratic lawmakers on Friday of wasting time by passing legislation to expand children's health coverage, knowing that he would veto it again. At the same time, he criticized Congress for failing to approve spending bills to keep the government running.

For reallies. Why is Congress wasting it's time with trivialities like children's health when they could be rubber stamping his nutbar agenda?

Max: Drug Control

Drug control policy decontructed at Foreignpolicy.com

The European Union is demanding rigorous assessment of drug control strategies. Exhausted by decades of service to the U.S.-led war on drugs, Latin Americans are far less inclined to collaborate closely with U.S. drug enforcement efforts. Finally waking up to the deadly threat of HIV/AIDS, China, Indonesia, Vietnam, and even Malaysia and Iran are increasingly accepting of syringe-exchange and other harm-reduction programs. In 2005, the ayatollah in charge of Iran’s Ministry of Justice issued a fatwa declaring methadone maintenance and syringe-exchange programs compatible with sharia (Islamic) law.

Max: Drain Bump

I was a year and a day ago that I posted my first Brain Dump.

A year ago I was broke and unemployed.

But for just about a month I knew what it was like to be motivated. FOr jsut about a month, I found out what it felt like to not be depressed for what seemed like the first time in my life.

Now, I can picture myself and what I was doing, but I can't remember, I can't even imagine, what it felt like to be a real, functioning human being.

Max: Revelations for a Wednesday

For some time now, I have been struggling with the question of what I should do with my life. So far my somewhat itinerant career in tech support has (barely) paid the bills. At the end of the day, though, all I have is a paycheck and eight hours less to wait for the grave. I know that I enjoy research and analysis. They are the only aspects of tech support that I find enjoyable. I also love music and writing, but I have long since realized that those will be a sideline at best, a hobby. Research and analysis, learning and using that learn to diagnose and hopefully solve problems, are a more likely way to make a living.

There are many fields in which those skills would be useful. Among those that come immediately to mind are medicine, law, engineering, comp sci, math and a variety of sciences. Every now and then, I find myself surfing around various university and professional web sites researching how I could get into one of those fields and trying to figure out how I can get into and afford the appropriate schools and balance schooling with work.

Today I was researching one of the less likely of those potential careers, medicine. My lack of discipline - involuntary though it may be - along with my lack of desire to go a quarter of a million dollars into debt are somewhat discouraging. Of course, the cost of tuition is prohibitive regardless of the field I happen to be researching and is usually what leads me stop my quixotic researching. Today, however, it was the lack of discipline that comes from my defective mental state - a medical condition clinically referred to as "just plain nuts." Suddenly I had an epiphany. I realized that I have been focusing on potential long term goals at the expense of an obvious short term goal. I am overweight, hideously out of shape and depressed to the point of barest functionality. I now know that I have to deal with my health before I worry about anything else. There is new research that exercise is not only beneficial for one's physical health, but can also help in alleviating depression. That should not be so very surprising given that neurological research shows more and more that mental health is a part of physical health, that the mind-body dichotomy is false.

Now all I need to do is convince my flabby ass to exercise and eat better.

Jericho: Have a Coke in the file ...

So, about three weeks ago, I went to talk to my doc. As some of you might remember, I had been considering a sabbatical for my health a while back. I have about 6 weeks of "Extended Sick Leave" at work. They lump all of our vacation and sick time into one pool they call Paid Time Off or PTO. However, if you are really sick, and are going to be off work for more than a few days, you can dip into your ESL time. I've been there for coming up on seven years and have never taken an ESL day - thus I have my six weeks.

I told my doc that I am in a bad way and need to do something. I'm weighing in at 515, I have all these health issues and the stress at my job just seems to get worse. I have this six weeks of time that I need to use, or I will lose it when I walk out the door - and I am so ready to walk out the door! So, I can see two ways to go; she could give me a prescription for time off and I can spend that six weeks dieting and really exercising. It would be a good jumping off point, and then when I'm done, I could find another job. It wouldn't be a cure - but it would be a good start. Or, we could use that six weeks to recover from some type of stomach surgery.

She chickened out almost instantly and told me to go talk to a bariatric specialist. Great. She had been against surgery the first time we talked - I thought I had a lock. Nope. I'm the only one on the planet that thinks time off from my job will help me get my health back together.

So, I spoke to a friend that had had this surgery. She wanted me to talk to someone besides the person my doctor recommended. She even set up my appointment. She is a big fan of the lap-band surgery that she has had. I don't know why she is such a big fan - it has been a three year struggle and seemingly endless surgeries and she has only lost a portion of the weight she is trying to lose. The more I thought about it, the more this felt like just another diet.

All diets restrict something: fat, carbs or calories. The lap-band simply restricts the portion size you can eat at one time. If you fill your little pouch with 3 oz. of celery you will lose more weight than if you filled it with 3 oz. or Oreos. My friend even confessed to me that she was just shoveling ice cream into herself at one point, it melted and ran through - she was still eating large portions of ice cream - just slower. So what the fuck is the point of putting up with the surgery, the recovery, the barfing and all the other crap if it's just another diet?

I canceled the appointment. My friend was quite angry with me. When she did talk to me again, she disagreed that it's just another diet. Maybe she's right, and I might have to go that route one of these days - maybe soon. But, I just couldn't do it right now.

Steph and I are dieting again. I've been on for two weeks-ish. The scale said I was 500 on Friday, down from 515 before I went to see the doctor.

I have also started looking for a new job. Don't tell my many bosses, but I spend a good portion of the day at work looking for a job and talking to placement agencies. I'm hoping to find a job closer to home and maybe something less stressful - a call center or something. At least with a call center, when I go home, I'm done. I'll probably have to take a pay cut - but not the first time that's happened. I might have a 2nd interview today - we'll see.

This weekend was my 6th wedding anniversary (and it was Laura's birthday, too - Happy Birthday, Laura!) I got Steph some pretty flowers - she got us a trip to Vegas in a few weeks! Woo! Very cool! ( I love you, Honey!) So, Steph and I strayed from the diet a bit. But in all, we were still pretty good. When I'm dieting, I do a lot of liquid foods; Slim Fast shakes, yogurt smoothies, yogurt, sugar free pudding, etc. So, my stomach seems to shrink up and I just simply can't put the food away. I get full fast - which is great! But, there was some higher carb foods and a little candy and one very special treat.

This is going to sound stupid, but it was a big deal to me.

I had a Coke.

A simple fountain Coke. And, man, was it ever good! Last year I went off caffeine. I do very little caffeine - maybe some green tea here or there and maybe black tea now and then. At the time I went off, we thought the caffeine might be contributing to my heart palpitations. It was certainly cutting into my sleep. When I'm not dieting and want a full sugar soda, I've been drinking Sprite or 7-Up. I don't need the caffeine and I shouldn't be having the sugar, but at least I was doing one thing right, right?

Well, I had the opportunity and I took it. That Coke tasted fucking great! I didn't have any heart palpitations or anything - but that was also the first real dose of caffeine I had had in forever - and I stopped at one and a half glasses. I'm off caffeine and I plan to stay that way. I look forward to my next Coke sometime next year!

Max: 350 lbs of Green Electricity

437 WATTS Body Battery Calculator - Find Out How Much Electricity Your Body is Producing

Max: Attack of the Spores of Doom

My nose is closed tighter than a true-believer's mind. Antihistamines seem to have succeed only in wrapping my brain in a gauzy curtain of pure duh. Every hurricane-like sneeze wrenches my neck and back into new levels of pain. I may just have my head amputated.

Max: Thought

Guns don't kill people. Exsanguination and organ damage kill people.

Max: Barbequed Head-Meat

ergelflarg

Max: Oven

The AC in my office has been out since Friday and won't be back up until Wednesday.

It is at least 100 degrees in here.

I have 150 pounds of extra insulation.

I may not live to see 36.

Oy.

Jericho: Back under 500.

Normally, when I diet I avoid the scale for everything I'm worth - like I did last week.

However, this week, Steph has kept encouraging me to step on the scale. Monday I was 507, Tuesday I was 505. Today I was 498. I re-weighed with the same results. It's a big drop, but not unexpected. I have so much weight to lose and it takes so much for this body to do anything resembling movement, thousands of calories going out the door in a short time frame isn't unimaginable.

Most likely a lot of that was just water. I have indeed been peeing like mad recently. I've also been fairly active, so maybe some of the fluid the docs said was around my heart is circulating out and some of the fluid around my ankles and legs is gone, too. Either way, I don't care - I'm just glad it's going.

I'm still eating, no sweat there. I'm doing about 2000 to 2500 calories a day. Sunday we spent several hours in the pool, nothing too stressful, but, I wasn't sitting on the couch eating chips, either. Monday morning I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I was hoping to repeat that several times this week and haven't managed to - it's a process. I'll get there.

This time, I plan to stay under 500 permenantly. Wish me luck.

Jericho: Ten Down

As of this morning I weigh 503. I've lost 10 pounds in a week. Not bad.

Don't freak out. I know losing more than a pound a day is bad. But, when you weigh as much as I do, losing a pound a day is pretty easy - just diet and get off the couch. Not that dieting is easy, but if you can actually do it, the weight melts off. I also know that I won't stay at this rate forever - I'll be here until I am only reasonably overweight instead of galacticly overweight.

And there's the rub. Steph is really excited I lost ten pounds and she is being very supportive and encouraging. I love her for that. However, I just can't seem to get too excited about this. I've lost weight before, screwed it up and gained it back. Heck, when I started dieting three years ago, I weighed 475 - I gotta lose another 28 pounds just to get back to that.

It's a really long road and 10 pounds is about 3 percent of what I need to lose. I'll be a little more excited thirty pounds from now.

Jericho: The 513 Pound U-Turn

The CPAP machine is working out really well. I don't care if it's just a placebo effect - I have way more energy than I am used to. I get up from my desk and walk off to the bathroom at a real clip - only to end up with my heart machine gunning in my chest. I might have energy, but the body has been on the couch for the last five years. It will need time to catch up.

This machine is what I hope will be the first step in a real U-turn for me. I have meds and a CPAP and today I'm back on my diet. All along the synergy has been against me. I was putting on weight, which was making my apnea worse, which was cutting into my sleep and lowering my metabolism, which was allowing me to put on even more weight, et cetera, ad nauseum.

Now, I have my CPAP restoring my sleep, which is giving me back my sleep and my energy. I am dieting, so we are in a calorie deficit. With the extra energy I might get some exercise. If I can get some weight off, my apnea will lessen, which will make sleep even easier and better, which will allow me to be more energetic and get more time on the treadmill, et cetera. I think I can get synergy back on my side!

But, the start of any journey is often the hardest part. This morning I got on the scale. That's enough to make you want to put your CPAP back on and go back to sleep for the rest of the week. The scale said I weigh 513. That is officially the most I have ever weighed.

It's like a freekin' death sentence. I'm hanging on a cross made out of pizza and fried chicken, a scroll over my head reads "DXIII". There was something in my mind that said "There's no way you weigh more than 500 pounds - there's no way you can gain more weight". But, sure as there are calories in a donut, I can weigh more than 500 pounds! Six hundred pounds sits out there in the distance, hunting me like a really fat but voracious predator.

This will happen. I will take the weight off. I feel better than I have in years. The immediate goal is get back under 500. I can do that with one hand tied behind my back. Maybe I should tie up my hand - harder to feed myself!

Jericho: Burgled

It's been a mixed up couple of days.

Tuesday night I went in for my sleep test. For those of you who don't read this act of love regularly, I'm fat. Real fat. I've also had sleep apnea since about college. Non-diagnosed sleep apnea, but there it was still the same. No shock. I'm over weight, a white male and now I'm approaching middle age. There is also a family history. So, there was nothing unusual about the fact that I couldn't sleep on my back without waking up in the middle of the night after having not breathed for a while. Which grew into not getting much sleep because I kept waking up to breathe.

When my atrial fibrillation started up, it always seemed to go in the same pattern. I'd wake up out of a dream, I'd draw in a deep breath and then my heart would lose it's mind and start trying to Break Dance and do the Twist at the same time. One of the emergency room workers suggested that it might be being kicked off by my apnea.

Since I started in earnest three years ago to fight my weight, we've known I should get a sleep study. So, last Thursday I talked with the doctor and Tuesday night I spent my first overnight in the hospital ever. To cut a longer story short, they deemed that I was going up to 45 seconds at a time without breathing, that my oxygen levels were dropping to 75% and that my heart would try to lose its mind when my oxygen levels got low. In short, I needed to be on a CPAP machine.

We could see in the test results that my lowest oxygen levels and the times when I stopped breathing were during REM sleep. This completely groks with my experience. I'd always seem to wake out of a dream, take a huge breath and then try to fall back to sleep.

Wednesday morning they hooked me up with the CPAP device and sent me to work.

---

Last night Steph and I came home from work. As we approached the apartment, Steph commented that she must of left the lights on when she left. You see, while I was off having my sleep study - Steph was home alone all night. She likes a lot more light than I do and sometimes forgets to turn them off in the morning. As we approached the door, Steph saw that the screen for the window near the door was not on the window but on the ground next to the window. This began to freak her out. With good reason.

There has been a recent rash of break ins in and around our apartment complex. We're off the main road, but not too far off and there are two large apartment complexes in that area - all prime for picking. Steph gingerly tried the door and it was unlocked. My wife might leave lights on, but locks are meant to be locked! She locks everything as many times as she can. This was not normal. She grabbed the CPAP and other stuff I was carrying and asked me to go in first.

I opened the door not knowing (but having a clue) what I would find. I went directly where the crooks would go - our office. Two new laptops were missing. Steph needed a computer for the classes she is taking. The first one we bought was too bulky so it became my game machine, it was only six months old. We bought her a new machine less than a month ago. Both of those were gone. My iMac was still still right where it should be. The Mac G4 was still on the desk. I guess they didn't like Apples.

We didn't realize it at the time, but they had unplugged and stolen a four year old Palm Pilot and cradle that they had to disconnect from the iMac. I paid $125 for it in January, but I had trouble getting it to work and the battery was dying. The $300 Palm we bought for Steph was sitting on a shelf five feet away and they missed it - funny.

They tore apart the bedroom. They seemed focused on Steph's bra drawer - but all they found were bras - which they left on the floor. They went through the drawers next to the bed - all they found were my big boobs porn tapes - don't know if they took any - but I need to replace those VHS tapes anyway. They found our fire box in the closet, they jimmied it open - breaking it permanently. All that was there were our papers - which they left. We think they were looking for jewelry or cash - Steph was wearing her jewelry and the only cash in the room was a plastic jug of change about half full - maybe $150 bucks - which they took.

They also managed to find our fairly new digital camera, our six year old digital camera and an old inexpensive film camera which they may have mistaken for digital. In all, they probably walked out with about $3500 bucks of stuff.

We called the cops. A lone officer showed up. She took our statement and gave us a case number. That's it. No big investigation, nothing. No prints taken. Probably not worth the effort - everyone knows to wear gloves and it's not like someone was killed.

We called the insurance. We made our claim and gave them the case number.

I'm at a point now that I think we were hit by professionals. They knew what they wanted. I don't think they spent much time in the house. Even the way they broke in - they didn't come through the window as we first thought - the window still had the "safety pin" inserted and I doubt a thief would have taken the time to reinsert it. Steph tells me she thinks the lock is harder to turn, so I think they may have broken in using a lock picking device, something like a snap gun or maybe something more modern.

Anyway, we cleaned up and we both called in sick to work. We wanted to get several things taken care of the next day - the biggest of which was working with the claims adjuster.

So, that's the bad news.

The good news is that I wore my CPAP and got at least eight hours of really great sleep. I felt really good this morning - better than I had in quite a while. Oxygen isn't for losers!

Jericho: Bad Wage Slave! No Sabbatical!

As some of our readers are aware, I hate my current job.

At heart, I'm a lazy bum. I find "going to work" distasteful at best. Having said that, I seem to find more and more stressful jobs and I seem to hold on to them forever. The last job I had, the stress got so bad I was getting headaches that required prescription meds, an MRI and other treatments. This job has allowed me to add 150 or so pounds and given me atrial fibrillation and congestive heart failure. Yet, I've stuck with it about two years longer than I should have.

So, for about a week I have been mulling over an idea. My health issues are out of control, but most of them could be cured with simple diet and exercise. Yet, my job tires me out so bad that I have no energy to exercise and I have self-medicated with food, my only vice, to fight the effects of the stress. If I didn't have the job, I wouldn't have the stress. If I didn't have to go to work, I would have time to exercise and I would have less access to junk food if I was home with a kitchen full of good nutrition choices.

Finding a new job would get rid of the current suckiness of my job, but I would probably be trading high stress for just as high if not higher stress somewhere else. I seem to attract crap jobs.

Thus, leaving the work-a-day world, even for a short time, would allow me to work on my health. Taking a sabbatical to fix my issues might help me a great deal.

There's no way I can afford unemployment. Our money situation is 100 times better than it was two years ago and about 20 better than this time last year - but we still have bills and a quality of life to support. I gotta have my cable Internet and DVR!

I have a 401k that is doing pretty well, despite the Stock Market's volatility. (If you are working and don't have a 401k, you are mad! Never too early to plan for retirement.) If I cashed it out, even after paying taxes and penalties, I'd have the equivalent of what I bring home for six months. That's a heck of a sabbatical! Cashing out one's 401k is not a smart thing, but at the rate I'm going, seeing 65 is getting less likely all the time. Even if I did get there, my medical bills would eat through my savings in a minute.

About three problems appeared when I got to this point. First, I'm a lazy bum. If I did this and failed to at least put my health on the right track, it would have been a huge waste of time and money - not to mention jeopardize getting a job when I'm done. Second, taxes. Retirement accounts like the 401k are loaded with tax pitfalls - especially when you use it in a way that wasn't intended. Last, I gotta have medical insurance. COBRA is expensive, but I should be able to get on my wife's plan, right?

I went to Steph with this plan on Wednesday. She saw its wisdom and its pitfalls. The first point above seemed to bug her the most. She began listing out if-then gates; "If you are going to do this then you will be at the gym everyday." and "If you continued to screw around for 30 days, then your fat ass would be looking for a job" - she was nicer about it than that - but I had to agree. I know I'm a bum, having some metrics as a guide would be a great idea. It was actually something of a relief to be able to find an easy was to regulate this. I'm not looking for a vacation here, I'm looking to fix the bad crap that has built up the last 20 years. Steph said she would look into the insurance aspect of it and I immediately sent email to Judi, Max's Mom and Tax Goddess, with tax questions. This might just be doable!

(Judi, if you are reading this, don't worry about answering my email. It just doesn't matter at this point. How's that for foreshadowing?)

Yesterday, my job proved how fucking back-ass-wards it is in so many ways. Too many ways to list here. But, even in the face of adversity, I kept a smile on my face. I had a way out. This was only temporary. I felt like a depressive who has finally set the date for his suicide - I had a secret, it was going to hurt a bunch of people (my employers in this case) and I was ready to go! Excellent.

After work, Steph and I are driving home. Steph tells me she looked into it. Voluntarily leaving a job doesn't constitute a "change of status" in the eyes of her employer's insurance company. So, the only way I could get onto her insurance would be during open enrollment - in January. I can't last at this job that long. I blew up at Steph - not her fault, I know, but I was so angry. I can't catch a fucking break. I come up with a way that could quite literally save my life, a way to make my life better and of course some insurance company is standing in my way.

I AM FUCKING TRAPPED! I HAVE NO WAY OUT OF THIS SITUATION! I CAN'T STAND THIS SHIT ANY MORE!

I regained some composure and apologized to Steph - but it's not enough. She doesn't deserve me yelling at her. I'm really sorry, hun. I just don't know what to do.

So, in a week or two - maybe sooner, I'm going to start looking for a new job. Maybe something for a non-profit - at least then my work will not be making some rich asshole richer. If I wait around until July when they announce my insult, I mean, "raise" - I'll likely end up in the klink on assault charges.

The bad news is that the stress in my life will likely continue to mount as my body continues to fail more and more egregiously. The good news is that my 401k will pay for one hell of a wake - everyone is invited!

Max: A Lone Rational Voice

NeuroLogica

Whenever extraordinary unfathomable human actions take place, like the tragic shootings that occurred this week at Virginia Tech, there is an immediate collective struggle to understand what happened. It creates almost a snapshot of the culture’s current paradigms of the nature of humanity and human behavior. Everyone intellectually grasps for what is at hand to explain events, while career moralizers blame the tragedy on their favorite boogeyman. I don’t pretend to have any profound answers myself, but would like to add my neurological musings and other observations to the conversation.

Dr. Novella's blog is a nice break from the incoherant rantings of morons.